幽默开心小故事两分钟

1、昨天梦见上帝说可满足我一个愿望我拿出地球仪说要世界和平，他说太难换一个吧，我拿出你的照片说要这人变漂亮，他沉思了一下说拿地球仪我再看看。 2、一女奇丑，嫁不出去，希望被拐卖。终于梦想成真，却半月卖不出去。绑匪将其送回，她坚决不下车，绑匪咬牙一跺脚：走，车不要了 3、20年前爸爸抱着你等车，人都笑话孩子长得难看，爸爸哭了。一卖香蕉的老大爷拍拍爸爸说：“大兄弟别哭了，拿只香蕉给猴子吃吧！真可怜，饿的都没毛了。” 4、飞机上，一只鹦鹉对空姐说：“给爷来杯水”，猪也学鹦鹉，对空姐说：“给爷来杯水”，空姐大怒，将鹦鹉和猪都扔下了飞机。这时鹦鹉对猪说：“傻了吧，爷会飞。” 5、有个老农在地里锄地，一只乌鸦飞过，拉了泡屎掉在老农脸上，老农抬头大骂：“靠你妈！出门也不知道穿条裤衩！”乌鸦说：“靠！你丫拉屎穿裤衩呀！”　有内容要求么？ 我打算把四个都写成小红帽恶搞。偶太有才了 ：p （被踹） 说个大概内容吧，偶再把词塞进去就可以了。 要的词必须是原形吗？过去式，复数之类的可不可以？ 1. after the defeat of the big bad wolf, little red riding hood rapidly became the hero of the forest. however, that did not change her life much. at present, she is still a little girl living in an impoverished family. she sees her mother in deep grief everyday, especially when preparing food for her to bring to her grandmother. there is not much left to eat in the house, much less to give to others. however, there doesn't seem to be anything she can do, she's too young to do any useful work around the house or in the fields. so, every week, she still prances across the forest to visit her grandmother, looking more innocent than ever, but she's got a plan. she noticed that the hunter who killed the big bad wolf es to the forest every other week, his pockets jingling with gold, yet he never told a soul where the money came from. after much contemplation, little red riding hood decided to sacrifice her morality for her stomach's sake, and 'borrow' some of that dazzling treasure for herself. 2. he wasn't born a hunter, he was told ever since birth that he descended from a noble lineage, but all of that changed when the new king was crowned. his father was hung for treason, because one of his men ratted the plan out to the king for a handful of gold. he was too young to know what happened then, he just watched dumbly, stupefied as his father stumbled out of sight, out of his life. he swore revenge. enty years he spent studying every detail of the failed usurpation, he finally narrowed the traitor down to one village, one family, a family with a cute little girl called little red riding hood, a family that she'll destroy, one person at a time. 'silly little girl', the hunter thought to himself. he knew very well that the girl reached into the pouch fastened to his saddle to steal some gold when she thought that he wasn't looking, but he was. he was watching her every move. he had to bait her, tempt her as to catch her off guard, so that he can slip the necklace he stole from the palace into her bag. the palace guards are hot on the trail of the thief who stole the necklace, and as soon as they find this piece of jewelry in her bag, it's the stakes for her. 3. little red riding hood looking at the diamond necklace in surprise, this is definitely not hers. the diamond sparkled in the sun, even more than the pieces of gold she stole from the hunter. she fell in love with it immediately. though she knew that jewelry like this can only belong to the ladies and lords, she couldn't resist keeping it for herself. her mother wasn't that sharp, nor are the town guards, she was sure that she could hide it from them. the nobles never appreciate anything the moners do anyways. if she turned the necklace in, she may get a pat on the head if she's lucky, more likely than not, she'll be put into shackles and chains for being a thief. the girl decided to bury the necklace in the forest and hide the the gold she stole in her fireplace. 4. nothing ever goes as planned. the hunter had hoped to avenge his father; little red riding hood had hoped to sell the necklace and live like a lady; neither of them got what they hoped for. the king's guards quickly surrounded the village. though they were no more intimidating than little red riding hood had imagined, they were scary enough to get her mother to tell them everything she knew, which wasn't much. but that was enough for them to find the gold the girl hid in the fireplace and condemn her to an act of thievery, punishable by death. the girl didn't live past her 10th birthday. the guards traced the gold to their original owner, who they immediately recognized as the son of the traitor hung enty years ago. thus, the hunter met his fate burning at the stake before his vengeance could be pleted. the necklace remained buried, fotten. year by year, the forest was cut down and plowed into fields. a farmer dug up the necklace and sold it to buy a sizable piece of land for himself. he lived peacefully until one day he saved a frozen snake from its death, but that's a story for another time. 童话恶搞太难了， 还是直接写笑话好了。 你要的词我给你花了横杠。 3. a butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws es pushing through the door. "an' wot's this then?" he asked half ___in surprise___, half mockingly. the dog knocks the basket ___sharply___ into the butcher's shins. "you dumb dog." as he reaches down to *** ack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. the scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. the butcher figures this is too easy. he goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. the dog growls at him. the butcher couldn’t be more surprised if it started raining ___diamonds___, glaring at the pup, he gets the best mince from the fridge. weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "hmmmmm, a bit shy. who'll know?" again, the dog growls menacingly. "alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. he wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. the dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. another five goes in the basket. the butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. the dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. the dog walks down the corridor and *** artly bangs the basket on the door. the door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "hey, what are you doing? that's a really *** art dog you've got there, you’re not ___appreciating___ him nearly as much as you should" ments the butcher. "he's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's fotten his key 1. the poor economy is affecting the supernatural world as much as the human one; decreased human spending and decreased human vacations means less food for these beings that feast on blood. ___at present___, many vampires have sunk their teeth into poverty. o vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. one says, “i’m so hungry that i can’t sleep.” the other one replies, “my __pockets__ are empty of gold and my fridge of blood, we have nothing else left to eat” "then let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." the first one responds quickly. "we're new here," says the second one. "we haven’t received any training. we’re not __prepared___ to go out alone. let’s wait until the other bats go with us." the first bat replies, "who needs them? i can find some blood somewhere." he flies out of the cave. when he returns, he is covered with blood. the second bat says excitedly, "where did you get the blood?" the first bat turned around, his buddy ___rapidly___ followed. stopping at the mouth of the cave and pointing into the night, the first bat asks, "see that black building over there?" "yes," the other bat answers. "well," says the first bat, "i didn't." 2. a blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying a glass _necklace__ for the price of a diamond one because it was more sparkly, needed money desperately. to raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. she went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "i've kidnapped you." she then wrote a big note saying, "i've kidnapped your kid. tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. signed, a blonde." the blonde then___ fastened___ the note to the kid's wrist and the poor kid, who was scared __silly___, went home to show it to his parents. the next morning the blonde made sure that everybody was __out of site__ before she checked under the apple tree, and sure enough, a paper bag was right there. the blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "how could you do this to a fellow blonde?" 4. tom was hired as a long-term repairman for mrs. peterson, because she has moved to an old folk’s home but likes to keep her own house in shape for her grandchildren if they e to visit. she told him, "i'll leave the key under the mat. e to the house once a week, fix whatever needs to be fixed, leave the bill on the counter, and i'll mail you a check every month. by the way, i have a large ___snake___ inside named killer, he may look a bit __scary__ but he usually just ___buries___ himself in the large pile of sand in the corner. he won't bother you. i also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!" well, sure enough the snake, killer, which the repairman found terrifying, totally ignored the repairman, but the every time tom goes over, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts. year by year, tom got more and more fed up with the parrot. one day, as he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "you stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" to which the bird replied, "killer, get him!!!"